


even if it's all grey (you still colour my world)

by nsykdk



Series: subahokke week 2020 [1]
Category: Ensemble Stars! (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression-like Symptoms, M/M, Pining, Star Tears AU, SubaHokkeWeek2020, but mostly just angst really, colourblindness, konpeito - Freeform, star tear disease, yes konpeito star tears
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-21
Updated: 2020-06-21
Packaged: 2021-03-04 04:09:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,991
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24637345
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nsykdk/pseuds/nsykdk
Summary: star tear disease;cause: unrequited lovesymptoms: tears turn into stars, eventual colourblindness, memory loss, dizzy spells[ subahokke week 2020 day 1 || stars/stardust ]
Relationships: Akehoshi Subaru/Hidaka Hokuto
Series: subahokke week 2020 [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1781359
Comments: 10
Kudos: 32





	even if it's all grey (you still colour my world)

**Author's Note:**

> sooo welcome to subahokke week! this is for day 1, prompt stars/stardust! the full list of prompts can be found [here on twitter](https://twitter.com/subahokkeweek) and it's run by my good friend mao! [they're on ao3 here!](https://archiveofourown.org/users/winter_mao_flower)
> 
> i don't think this is the best it could be but here it is: subahokke star tears au!

It's a gentle summer's day when Subaru realises.

They're walking home, popsicles melting on tongues, when Subaru thinks that he doesn't want Hokuto to go home. He wants Hokuto to stay, awkwardness and all. There's a strange, tight, twisting feeling in his chest when Hokuto does leave, and for a long while, Subaru stares at the doorway, thinking about how Hokuto had said his goodbyes, and realises he's in love.

Being in love, Subaru thinks, but moreso realises, is a strange feeling. He's overwhelmingly happy when he's with Hokuto, fluttery butterflies in his stomach and smile on his face. He gets his breath taken away sometimes, when Hokuto does that gentle smile and all he wants to do is put his own right against Hokuto's; he wants to know if his lips are warm or soft, if they're chapped or glossed, if he'd smile right back at him when Subaru pulls away. But sometimes, his chest goes tight and all the happiness drains away, leaving the forced smile and aching gap between their fingertips hanging.

"Akehoshi, did you want to come over to study today?" It's lunchtime, a nondescript afternoon on a boring Thursday. They're at school during summer break to use the practice room, just the four of them, but Mao and Makoto have headed off to buy more popsicles and somehow, just having practice with Hokuto has turned into lying in the wake of the fan, sweating and panting.

"Sure," Subaru replies, because Hokuto's place is always nice and air-conditioned, and it's Hokuto, after all. "I haven't done any of my Japanese History homework at all, Hokke!"

"Don't say that like you're proud of it," Hokuto chides, and Subaru laughs, and then Mao and Makoto are back and armed with popsicles, and practice begins again.

* * *

"I'm home," Hokuto calls. "Akehoshi, don't just stand in the doorway."

"Pardon the intrusion!" Subaru grins, and Hokuto just sighs and begins to slip off his shoes.

(It's then, right there, with a sound that's almost like the tinkling of a bell, that Subaru feels a tearing pain in his chest.)

"Akehoshi?"

"It's nothing," Subaru says frantically, bending to untie his shoelaces so fast that he almost tips over. His heart is twisting, furiously; it _hurts_ suddenly and tears are forming in his eyes. Panic- what feels like panic bubbles up and he just _knows_ he can't let Hokuto see this. His voice seems to shake a little when he opens his mouth. "You should go in first, Hokke."

Hokuto seems to hesitate, and Subaru's shaky fingers continue to scrabble at his laces, tears threatening to fall. It still hurts, like someone's stabbed a hot knife through his chest, and there's a sudden dizzying rush that draws the breath out of him. _Leave_ , he wills, _please_ , and finally Hokuto says something, something that Subaru can barely make out, but knows it's Hokuto's voice, and he hears footsteps pattering away, ringing in his ears.

He brings a hand to his eyes, rubbing away the tears, and suddenly- just like that, the knife and the dizziness and the panic vanish.

In his hand- no, his eyes _have_ to be deceiving him. It can't be right, Subaru thinks, there's _absolutely no way-_

In his hand lies one innocent little konpeito candy.

Quickly, he pats down his pockets for a place to put it, but his phone is in one and the other is filled with the wrapper of his popsicle from earlier in the day.

"Akehoshi?" Hokuto's waiting at the end of the corridor, a set of teacups in his hand. "I'll take the tea up to my room."

"Okay," Subaru breathes, heart still pounding in his chest. "Thanks."

Once Hokuto has gone, Subaru grabs his bag, scuffs his feet into a pair of slippers and makes a beeline for the kitchen. There's a trashcan in the kitchen; he can put the konpeito in his pocket after he throws away the wrapper, or something at least.

And then, he has the most stupid idea.

He pops the thing between his teeth for just a second to free his hands, fumbling in his pockets for any more trash to throw out - he comes back with a bunch of coins and a button, and nothing else to really throw out, and he's just about to take it out of his mouth and stick it in his pocket when it _melts_.

Harmless.

"Akehoshi," Hokuto calls from the corridor, "is everything okay?"

"Yeah," Subaru replies, pushing away the panic as he feels the candy melt on his tongue. He must have just had it somewhere on his uniform; Hokuto had brought some to school, after all. There's absolutely no way he could have _cried_ out a konpeito candy just like that! He laughs at his little revelation, shakes his head, and bounds out through the kitchen door instead.

"I'm coming!"

* * *

For what seems like a long time, Subaru forgets about the candy incident.

School starts again after summer break, which means long afternoons listening to Kunugi-sensei go on and on about useless things, preparations for the multitude of lives in the autumn, evenings spent practicing after school. Subaru supposes he isn't one to think about much at all, which is probably how he forgets so easily.

_It must have been a coincidence_ , he tells himself, because candy doesn't come out of eyes. 

He flops down on his bed, grabbing his phone to scroll through his messages and socials, and impulsively posts a cute picture of Daikichi to his feed. A moment later, his phone buzzes with a notification: _meganeyuuki, isaramao, HidakaHokuto and three others have liked your post!_

Subaru feels his smile widen with the last name on his screen, and taps on Hokuto's profile to see he's uploaded a picture of some sweets they'd gotten as a group a few days back.

He presses the like button, and just as he does so, feels tears coming to his eyes.

_Strange_ , he thinks, but he doesn't have time to think any more when a familiar twisting pain bursts in his chest and he's gasping for air, vision swimming. He's vaguely aware of his phone slipping from his hands, a dull thud on the floor, and then he's squeezing his eyes shut to the pain-

...And then it's gone, just as sudden as it'd come.

Subaru blinks his eyes open, breaths still heaving in his chest, and immediately snaps his eyes shut again.

"I'm dreaming," he says, out loud, and opens his eyes again, slowly.

There, on his pillow, is a little handful of star-shaped konpeito, in a rainbow of assorted colours.

Subaru reaches for his phone, presses in a contact. He's never heard of konpeito magically appearing before, and though it's kinda cool, he's pretty darn sure it's not normal.

_"Hello? Akehoshi-kun?"_ Makoto picks up almost immediately, sounding rather surprised. _"What's up?"_

"Listen, Ukki," Subaru begins, "could you search something up for me? You're super good at finding things out, right? So- I gotta find out something-"

_"Whoa, whoa, slow down a bit, Akehoshi-kun, let me get my computer out!"_ A multitude of rustling sounds emit from the phone, and then some clicking, and then some more, and Subaru tucks himself into his blanket. Makoto clears his throat a moment later. _"All right, can you start from the beginning?"_

After a while of explaining and talking, Makoto explains his grim-sounding findings. _"I think you're looking for this rare thing called star tear disease."_

"Star tear... disease?" It sounds _cute_ , even, like a move straight out of a fantasy RPG.

But Makoto continues, _"An unrequited love causes you to cry out stars from your eyes. Umm... the website says side effects include colourblindness, memory loss, dizzy spells. You can cure it by throwing away the star tears, but you also lose your feelings for- hello? Akehoshi-kun?"_

Subaru snaps to attention, wrenching his eyes away from the pile on his pillow. "Mm, it's nothing, Ukki! Thanks for helping me out!"

_"I hope that helps,"_ Makoto says. _"I gotta go help my mom with chores, so I'm gonna hang up now, all right? Bye-bye!"_

Subaru blinks down at his phone after the line goes silent, and then again at the pile of konpeito, something like dread pooling in the pit of his stomach.

_Unrequited love._

* * *

"...Hey. Akehoshi. Akehoshi!"

Subaru wakes with a yell, bumping his knees on the underside of his desk. There's nobody left in the classroom, and he yawns in confusion: class must have ended some while ago.

Hokuto frowns down at him. "You wanted to have lunch together, didn't you?"

"Yeah!" A grin spreads easily on Subaru's cheeks as he moves to put their tables together, excitement brewing. When he looks up, Hokuto is in the doorway, and for a moment, his smile falters.

"I have to hand some forms in, so you can eat first," Hokuto explains as he waves a pile of papers around. "It'll only be a few minutes."

"Okay," he replies as Hokuto's figure retreats, but only grabs his bento from his bag, deciding to wait for Hokuto to come back.

It'd been a nice day, despite having learned nothing in class, but he'd managed to catch Hokuto on the way to school and so his day had immediately been _good_ from the get-go. Strange how just a walk together with his crush along the familiar path to school that he must have walked a hundred times over, talking about the most mundane of things still gives Subaru a buzzing happiness just like when they perform live.

(That's one of the things he'll never understand about love; how normalcy can be just that special, how it's just everything they've done every day before, but tinted like a rose-gold sunset.)

This time, it doesn't hurt so much, and the squeeze that it does in Subaru's lungs is one much like the one he'd had when he'd realised his feelings for Hokuto: like yearning and longing and reaching for something that he can't have.

"Shit," he whispers, when his eyes open and there's candies all over his desk and uniform and the floor. He gathers what he can into a pile on his desk, then unwraps his bento and sweeps the pile onto the cloth, picking them from the folds of his shirt and pants and dropping them into the pile.

"Akehoshi?" Hokuto's voice startles him, and the panic which had been only building in the back of Subaru's mind sends the konpeito scattering all over his desk again.

"Did you bring these to share?" Hokuto strides over, picking a bright orange candy up. Subaru's noticed that their colours are surprisingly bright, unlike the pastel colours he sees Hokuto carry around.

"Yeah," Subaru breathes, grateful for the excuse, and laughs as if sheepish. "I kinda spilled some on the floor though! So! Um! Don't-"

When he looks up, Hokuto's staring at him in confusion.

"It tastes nice," Hokuto says simply, as if it can explain away the immediate rush of thoughts like a tidal wave in Subaru's mind.

"Yeah," Subaru repeats, somewhat frozen in shock and horror because those are _his star tears_. He can't even form a half-decent thought before words begin tumbling from his lips. "I'll bring more next time."

* * *

"These are really nice," Hokuto says, looking surprised.

Subaru beams at him in response, heart fluttering in his chest. "They are, right?"

Hokuto pops another in his mouth, and Subaru watches his lips curve into a contented smile, relaxed and happy. He wants to lean over and kiss him, taste the sweetness off Hokuto's lips and see him smile wider.

"Can I really take the entire jar?"

"Yeah," Subaru replies easily, and Hokuto smiles.

* * *

Everything seems dull, Subaru realises, as he stares blearily at the ceiling of his room. For some reason, he feels tired, despite having just woken up from a comfortable sleep; like there's weights tying him down to the bed.

Eventually, he does get up, feeling worse for the wear, dragging on his uniform with a lack of enthusiasm. It feels, somewhat, like the beginning of his first year again; a dreading, squelching feeling oozing slowly through his veins. He'll be late for school, probably, but for some reason he can't be bothered to care.

He stops in front of his mirror, slowly noticing the shadows under his eyes, the smile he plasters too deliberately onto his face. Somehow, the blue of his uniform looks greyed out and dull.

A knock sounds on his door at that moment, and his mother's voice filters through. "Subaru, you'll be late to school!"

"I'm coming!" he calls back, reaching to grab his bag from the floor and shoving in a notebook for the day. As he does so, his eyes catch on something bright; the only brightness he's seen so far: the little jar of tears he keeps on his desk, innocently sparkling in the sunlight. It shines brighter than everything else in his room, taunting, until he finally wrenches his gaze away and races down to the kitchen.

_"Side effects include colourblindness..."_

He walks in through the door to his classroom somewhat late after dragging his feet through the hallways increasingly slowly, like the dreading, blackening feeling in his stomach had pooled out around him like thickening mud.

He hates it.

* * *

It only goes downhill from there.

"So, which do you like?" Anzu's quiet voice filters in through the mess of thoughts in his mind, like static buzz.

It's the _same grey colour._

"They're both great colours, Anzu!" He's putting on a smile before he knows it, as natural as a mask can be. "Your costumes are always awesome!"

Anzu stares at him strangely. "You're being weird recently, Akehoshi-kun. They're both the same colour."

_Ah_.

Subaru laughs lightly, letting it hide the tremble in his voice. "I'm just tired, probably."

Anzu leaves soon after that, and the sigh of relief that ghosts his lips surprises Subaru himself. The world around him swirls in greys and blacks and whites, and it's even hard to smile recently; like it's dyed his emotions in shades of black.

Subaru hates it, but he doesn't have the heart to throw away the star tears, to throw away the bubbling feelings of his first love gone wrong.

A distant-feeling memory surfaces, of Hokuto's gentle smile as he'd offered the candies to him. Hokuto's smile, soft like starlight on a clear night, as he'd complimented their taste; the happy rush of feelings it'd sent coursing though Subaru's body. Not even the memory helps with the sinking feeling he has now; feeling nails digging into his palms, but no pain.

"Akehoshi," a voice calls, and Subaru almost jumps in his seat, whipping around stiffly to face Hokuto.

"Good morning, Hokke!"

"Anzu told me that you weren't feeling well," Hokuto says, settling into the desk beside Subaru's with a sigh. "Are you all right? Do you need to head to the infirmary?"

"I'm fine," he's saying, smiling without skipping a beat, shoving the pooling unease deeper underneath his mask. "It shouldn't be anything serious!"

"If there's anything worrying you, you can tell any of us." Hokuto offers a gentle upturn of lips, an almost-smile, and for a moment, it feels like there's a tiny flower of colour left in Subaru's monotone world.

* * *

"Akehoshi-kun, come on, we have a practice live after this."

Subaru freezes.

"I..." _There's_ the reason why he'd brought his outfit home the night before, and he grabs his schoolbag, sorting through it hurriedly; the despairing feeling he'd been putting away for the entire day spiralling back full swing. He'd already forgotten to bring a pen to class yesterday, homework for the past few days, his sports shoes for basketball club practice last week. Nervously, he laughs and puts on a smile, knowing already that his outfit isn't there, but somewhat still hoping that it appears magically. "I forgot to bring my uniform!"

Makoto frowns at him, concerned. "Is it that thing you told me to search up? If it is-"

"It's not," he says firmly. "I can get the spare one from the store room anyway, the one Anzu made-"

"Akehoshi, Yuuki." Hokuto appears in the corridor, Mao and Anzu trailing behind him. "What's the matter? Let's go."

"Akehoshi-kun forgot his uniform," Makoto explains in the silence, when nobody decides to speak.

Immediately, Hokuto frowns and strides over to Subaru, who lowers his gaze in shame. From behind him, Mao beckons and calls, "Makoto, Anzu, let's get going first!"

"You shouldn't participate today," Hokuto says quietly once the trio are gone. Surprisingly, he sounds concerned and not annoyed; strangely gentle. "You haven't been at your best recently."

"But-"

"Watch us from the audience. It'll be good to have some feedback from a different perspective," he continues, and this, Subaru reckons, is closer to the Hokuto he knows. "You'll only feel worse if you perform when you're not at your best."

_Good,_ his mind echoes, _you didn't want to perform anyway._

So Subaru nods, weakly, feeling as if he'll be sick if he does much more. He's sure Hokuto can see through the shaky smile he plasters on his face, but thankfully he doesn't question it. "Do your best, Hokke."

"I will," Hokuto replies, and hurries out, leaving Subaru with tears brimming at the corners of his eyes.

The gut-wrenching pain is familiar by now, tears tinkling as they fall and clatter on the ground. He's glad, at least, that Hokuto hasn't seen him like this: clawing at his chest and gasping for breath; terrified and aching and helpless. And then, all of a sudden, the grey classroom _swirls_ , tilting wildly; darkness creeping in from the sides of his vision.

Before he blacks out, the last thing he sees is the whirl of a colour; deep blue, just like Hokuto's eyes had been, now grey like everything else.

* * *

Subaru pauses outside of the practice room, hand resting on the doorknob. He swears his vision has gotten worse since the day before; splotches of blurred greys and blacks dancing in front of his textbook for the entire day's worth of classes, rendering the text utterly unreadable. Hokuto and Makoto had ended up covering for him for the majority of the day.

Perhaps it's the disease, he thinks, as he bites his lip.

He doesn't want to dance.

He doesn't want to sing, or perform, or any of that at all.

_Pathetic_.

He mutters it out loud, feeling hot, shameful tears bubbling up. "What's an idol when they don't want to perform?"

Eventually, he turns the doorknob, lips bitten red and tears withheld, to find Mao practicing with Hokuto, who pauses the music to join Subaru at the doorway. A little twinge of something resounds in his chest, something that feels too much like guilt.

"Subaru, you all right?" Mao speaks first, concern laced in his words. "If you're not feeling up to practice, you can sit out for today."

Hokuto nods. "Isara is right. Don't push yourself."

"Mm. Thanks, Sari," Subaru replies, weakly finding a smile tugging at his lips. "Thanks, Hokke."

It's the first real smile he's felt in a long time. A fluttering happiness gently settles within him, and for a moment, the world seems clearer, brighter.

But it's over in a moment, and the feeling suddenly twists, a knife in his chest, and Subaru is stumbling to the door, blurting out an excuse for the toilet. Not that it even matters where he goes any more, as long as Hokuto doesn't see; as long as nobody finds out.

The pain overwhelms him not even two steps away from the door; tears threatening to fall, legs collapsing. It _hurts_ , tearing him apart with the pain, black spots appearing in his vision-

When Subaru opens his eyes, he feels heavy, dripping with weight in his limbs. He's alone in the hallway, sprawled on the floor unceremoniously; spots of colour dancing in his greyed-out vision. Slowly, he props himself upright, head pounding and spinning, a groan echoing too loudly in his ears.

"Akehoshi-kun? Ah- he's awake!" Footsteps begin to patter over, and Subaru lifts his eyes to see Makoto leading Mao and Hokuto over.

"Akehoshi!"

"Oh my-"

Subaru winces, wrenching his eyes away from the three sets of approaching footsteps.

"Akehoshi," Hokuto's gentle voice says, and Subaru thinks he could cry again just from how it sends his heart fluttering and bursting in his chest. "Why didn't you tell us?"

"...I'm sorry," he chokes, unable to say much else, and the world goes dark once again.

* * *

This time when he wakes up, it's to the white ceiling of the infirmary and a soft pillow under his head. Someone must have carried him here.

"You're awake."

Subaru turns his head slowly, feeling a throbbing behind his eyes. "Hokke."

"You should-" Hokuto stops himself, standing up from the chair he'd been resting on to take a step closer to the bed. "No, that's not it. Are you feeling okay, Akehoshi?"

"Kinda," he admits, and though it's not great, it's better than before. "Why... are you here?"

"Yuuki and Isara agreed it'd be better if someone stayed with you," Hokuto explains, "and I felt that I should stay, somehow."

That brings the smallest of smiles to Subaru's lips. "Thanks."

"Yuuki also explained everything, so don't lie to us again." He sighs and runs a hand through his hair. "You don't have to tell me if it's something you don't want to talk about, but-"

"No," Subaru interjects, "I'll talk about it."

He closes his eyes, remembers the beginning: the sweetness of popsicles, the bubbling of sudden happiness, the strange tugging feeling in his chest. The morning greetings in the classroom and lunches spent exchanging food meaninglessly and evenings walking side by side; the laughs and the smiles and the cheers for an encore.

"I'm in love with you, Hokke." After all, he thinks, even if he loses his first love, Hokuto would still be his best friend, and he can live with that. He continues, in a tone that feels floatingly light and liberating, "You don't have to return my feelings. I'll throw all of the star tears away when I go home if you don't. And then you won't have to worry about it ever again."

And Hokuto purses his lips, and asks, very seriously, "But I won't be able to eat them any more if you throw them away?"

"Hokke-" Somehow, Subaru has to commend him for bringing the wide smile to his cheeks. "Hokke, I just said, _I love you._ "

"Mm, you did, and that's why we told you that you could have told us earlier," Hokuto says, reprimanding but without any substance to it, and there's the most brilliant smile on his face when he leans over and presses the most gentle of kisses to Subaru's lips. "And I'm saying that I like you too."

If Subaru has to put a feeling to watching the entire world burst into colour, it'd be like falling in love once again; light and floating and utterly breathtaking. He _sees_ the orange rays of the sunset slanting in through the window to cast a glow in the room, the way Hokuto's cheeks are flushed a gentle pink, the brilliant blue of his eyes, brimming with a familiar emotion. 

"But," he whispers, disbelieving, "that's not _possible_."

"Well," Hokuto replies, "it is."

* * *

Being in love, Subaru thinks, but moreso realises, is a strange feeling. He's still overwhelmingly happy when he's with Hokuto, fluttery butterflies in his stomach and smile on his face. He still gets his breath taken away sometimes, when Hokuto does that gentle smile and all he wants to do is put his own right against Hokuto's; but now he knows that Hokuto's lips are warm and soft and gently glossed, and he knows that Hokuto's smile when he pulls away is the most beautiful thing in the world, and he knows that it's utterly, completely _his_.

**Author's Note:**

> if you made it through to the end... this was a huge ride and writing it was about 500 different types of pain but overall i think it's... okay?  
> either way, thank you for reading! please look forward to the rest of this week!
> 
> twitter [@subahokke](https://twitter.com/subahokke)


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